There's no way around it. I've rationalized and tried to give excuses, but I'm fighting a losing battle. I want a husband, and I just can't lie about it anymore.
Let's face it, I hate admitting these things and I roll my eyes when girls gush over their most recent crush. Most of it is frankly ridiculous, meaningless, and a waste of time. I hate wastes of time. But every once in awhile my mind catches a glimpse of me in a white dress, and I can't deny that I want that moment. I want to enter on my fathers arm and lock eyes with the man at the end of the aisle, knowing that above all, this is right. This is what my Father wants. This is the man that perfectly matches my heart, the man that I am stronger with than I am alone. This is the man that makes my heart beat unevenly; the man I want to journey with for the rest of my life.
I've always been ridiculously rational. Books, really, have ruined me. They've turned me into a hopeless romantic and it kind of pisses me off. I'm not afraid of doing this alone; frankly I'm ridiculously powerful with God - he made me with enough drive and compassion to change the world only with Him. But if this is for the Kingdom's best interest, if truly we are stronger together than we are apart, then God will provide. I will never settle, because then it's just not right. People often tell me I'm never going to get married if I don't start expecting less, but I usually just shrug and say "I guess I'm not supposed to get married then." I can't fool myself, though; that stupid white-dress-dream is very much okay with me, and the man at the end of the aisle is already a part of my heart.
So again I roll my eyes, but this time at myself. God help me.
-the writer.
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