raw.

Every time, it hits me. It hits me like a big semitruck going 85 down a highway, like a punch in the stomach when you're not ready for it. Every time, I think I'm going to be sick. I'm going to go under. More importantly, I'm not going to resurface. I'm afraid this pain is going to scar me, and even though my body is sick from it, it's all in my head. It's all in my head.
Every time I see your name, it's like a bomb inside my head. I can almost feel the darkness clawing at my heart as my breathing stops, as I struggle to restart it, as my hands jerk and my thoughts are no longer coherent. My first thought is to run. To escape. To get away from whatever it is that has been touched by you, that has brought you to my mind. I know that I hurt you, I know that I severed our friendship, our sisterhood, and I cannot fix it. I can do nothing, and for that I want to run away as frantically as I can, in whatever direction is offered. But I stay. I cannot leave...I will not leave. I will be stronger than the panic and the pain.
You see, I know that I am weak and I am worthless and that this is my fault. I take full responsibility. But in God I find strength, and I mean that more than I mean anything. With Him, I can somehow endure the pain. With Him, I can keep hoping. I can keep living, and although these times of torture come more often than I want, in between I find joy. Without you...I find joy. I can live, in peace, in love, and in hope of the future. But I don't want that. Sure, they are a comfort when I can momentarily escape the pain, but you mean more than the pain. I would stand in front of this semitruck a thousand times over for you. I will find relief, and peace, through this. I won't take the long way around or an easier road to try to forget my wrongs or pretend that they didn't happen; I will continue on the path I'm already walking. I will survive the pain. I will not leave you.